You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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