Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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