Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
