Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
