All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
