I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize