between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
