Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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