Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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