you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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