i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
