So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize