I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
