Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize