I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize