It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
