I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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