Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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