the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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