we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize