DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
