were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
