I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
