Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
