Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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