everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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