can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize