i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
