I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
