I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Randomize
