My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize