I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
