tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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