i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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