Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
