captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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