you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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