he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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