update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
dude. I can hear the air.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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