When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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