i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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