This is not my ceiling
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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