well I can't set my house on fire every night
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
