guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
3pm strippers are depressing
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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