He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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