The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
