so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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