Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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