The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
