I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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