god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The maid of honor just puked.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
