I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
