TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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