barbara walters just said penis...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize