No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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