watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
