i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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