but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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