Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
