I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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