my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
