Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
