Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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