awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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