I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
