I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
