Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
